#3 LOLCATS

Ok, LOLCATS (and kind of internet memes in general).

It's the inside joke phenomenon. The fact of its being an inside joke is what makes people think what they're seeing is actually funny regardless of whether or not it IS actually funny, because what's "funny" is merely the sense of self-flattery that you're in on the joke and so if you admit that it's not really funny (because, really, it's not funny, it's just stoned-nonsense-dribblings that skew retarded), well then you're not "in" anymore which means you are no longer a cool part of this cool internet meme community that prides itself on its insularity and cleverness even though really it's just a bunch of bad stoner jokes. Lolcats are retarded (cf. this from Time Magazine, via Wikipedia: "The term lolcat gained national media attention in the United States when it was covered by Time which wrote that non-commercialized phenomena of the sort are increasingly rare, stating that lolcats have 'a distinctly old-school, early 1990s, Usenet feel to [them]'").

Uch...just, uch...

#2 Kale

People simply adore kale. Oh, it's so delicious, they say, steamed with just a little lemon, perfect.

Uh, no it's not. It's a leafy bitter fucking green. But you must love kale, because if you don't love kale you're not healthy enough. You need to embrace your health so dearly that you have to pretend to love something that is inherently undeserving of love.

People don't really love kale (that would be impossible). Rather, they love the idea of themselves eating a leafy green. How healthy, how delicious! No, it's not delicious. It's kale. It's not a bacon cheeseburger. It's not foie gras. It's not creme brulee. It's not even a really ripe, sweet and juicy peach. It's freaking kale.

Eat your kale, but be honest about it. Eat it with resentment. The resentment borne of being burdened with craving unhealthy things. Be unhappy, because really, kale is terrible. It is, it's just terrible. Yeah, it's ok if you eat it in a soup that you make with sausage, but that tells you everything you need to know. Just don't tell anyone you hate it because that means you're just an unhealthy person and we don't want to hear from unhealthy people reminding us of our delusionary relationship with healthy foods.